Shots From The Darkside

Baseball has banned Manny for using a substance that is - according to convicted liar V.Conte - a substance which reactivates the testes after using steroids. You know, I’ve read the same thing when I was looking for an -uh - ‘Edge’ in my PT. But here’s the thing: it’s a perfectly legitimate drug, with some perfectly legitimate uses.

Testing for this shit is like trying to track alcoholics by the amount of Advil or Aleve in their bloodstreams after a night out. oh no, don’t test for the illegal performance enhancing substance - ;test him for something he might use to recover from possible steroid use.

This is all some circumstantial bullshit. It’s conspiracy law, which doesn’t require real evidence, just an intimation that you may be doing something to conceal guilt.

I also think baseball should back the fuck off doctors orders. I’ve been activated in the US  ARMY for the last 6 months. If LTC DICK decides to prescribe me pure cow testes to cure an ankle issue - there’s nothing Uncle Sam can say about it - he’s the cat with the medical degree. It’s his career on the line. Baseball shouldn’t expect players to call some 1-800 number to validate results found by a certified medical professional.

If the government hasn’t banned it, if the AMA hasn’t officially declared a substance illegal or as a masking/recovery agent, then MLB needs to back off. They’re only trippin because they need to show some faith after the Big Mac/B.Bonds issue.

(written from a computer looped thru a proxy on my desktop at home. sorry guys, i’m at Fort Gordan for a few more weeks. hang in there.)

It was an accident. Voluntary manslaughter is different than murder in that there was no intent. Reckless? Maybe. But I think that the circumstances have been trumped up to allow for charges to be files.

First, the concept of alcohol related homicides needs to be eliminated as long as beer is legal and bars have parking lots. The government has already chosen some arbitrary low number as its legal drinking limit. It’s unscientific and doesn’t take into account MANY different factors like age, height and weight.

I don’t even think anyone should bother with refining the drinking limit until they discuss the concept of allowing bars to have parking lots. To hit the legal drinking limit in most states, you need not even turn your car off - one beer will land you in county. It’s just hypocrisy.

Don’t drink and drive. Instead, drink and walk home motherfucker. We won’t tow your shit or allow anyone to vandalize it. We’ll sell you a bucket of beers for 5 dollars.

But I’m not even mad at the bar industry, what they do is for profit. I’m mad the government for not having enough balls to make a decisive stand for or against drunk driving.

And at which point does the victim assume responsibility? Get yer fat arse into the crosswalk. Jesus Chris, I wish I had 5 dollars for ever student I’ve heard talk about walkers having ‘right of way’. I googled it, I can’t find any law in SC that allows a student to j-walk across 8 lanes of traffic during rush hour… or even happy hour. People - like dickhead bike riders - erroneously they are indestructible and protected from on high by God, Himself.

Stallworth is going down, but it won’t matter. This is where we should follow Muslim law.

In the Muslim world, the tradition of blood-money payments, or diyya, comes from the Quran, in which it is set out as a more humane alternative to the practice of eye-for-an-eye retaliation: “A believer should not kill another believer, unless it happens unintentionally; whoever does so unintentionally must pay diyya to the family.” Under Islamic tradition, the family of a murder victim can also choose to accept a blood-money payment in lieu of the death sentence, jail time, or lashing that might otherwise be meted out.

Message to the Victims family: I know what it feels like to lose a parent to a car accident. I’m saddened that my family had to go to court to get my dad’s best friend (the owner of the company) to pay the life insurance included in his contract. When the smoke cleared, said owner ended up paying my mother 15x what the life insurance would have been.

Everyone is emotional. But this was an accident. Accept Stallworths apology and let this guy put your kids thru college. Destroying him won’t help anyone and most likely hurt thousands of people who depend on him. Your husband/father, isn’t that isn’t worth all that. He was just an asshole who decided to cross a road the wrong way.

A long while ago I attempted to write a short story. The plot was your basic thriller told from multiple perspectives. I never finished it, but I was pleasantly surprised to see my prediction coming to light:

Designer babies are coming - some would say are already here - it’s only a matter of time before someone uses this to dominate sports.

This initially started as a way for parents to decide whether or not to bring an unhealthy baby into the world. Many people have moral objections to this. I do not. My wife is pregnant right now, and if the genetic testing determines that my new kid has a 85% chance of being born with Tay-Sachs or Sickle Cell, then I say flush him and lets try again. I know that’s a harsh and slippery slope to glide on, but which section of society is planning to pay for my family medical bills when they become to much for me? How many people are lining up to attend my future toddler’s funeral? Better to birth a healthy child and give him/her a fighting chance at life than the near certainty that he’ll die painfully before he’s 6 years old.

People are already doing this. The Nobel Prize Sperm Bank offered an easy route to instant eugenics. It stayed a tolerated fringe effort because of the lack of control donors had over the outcome. There was no proof that Nobel offspring would in turn be Nobel material. The child might’a been born without any of the intelligence,  good looks or innate social graces their parents paid for. Sure, being from Nobel stock may have boosted the odds that a child would have some of the desired traits, but it still existed in the realm of dog breeding - you get what ya got.

Until now.

Pre-implantation screening of traits gives donors more control. Soon dark skinned black parents will screen their kids and make sure their kid passes the brown-paper-bag test - then when he’s an actor he can be someone other than a vampire hunter or theif. Englishmen may screen for straight teeth. French might screen for hairlessness. Or worse, someone like Richard Williams - father to Serena and Venus - may screen for athletic prowess using things like muscle density. He might shunt the embryos that don’t have genes for fast-twich muscles or show potential for high fat density.

The business of sports is huge. Non profit organization like the NCAA are pocketing hundreds of billion of dollars. Profit, in this environment, is the rule of law. How soon will it be before some failed pitcher or college QB drops 10 gees to make sure his first born isn’t born with a tendency toward injury? What about the point guard with the heart murmur or the kicker with waleye vision?

What would you do?

I say it’s no one’s business. As usual, society is 10 years beghind the curve and we’ve already fallen down this slippery slope. As a culture, we’ve put money first. That’s why Pharmaceutical companies spend more money advertising designer heart burn medication than trying to cure cancer. That’s why states governments raise taxes, fire tens of thousands of workers to get back in the black and then grant the local university 100 million dollars to add 10,000 seats to their football stadium. Morality and ethics have no chance against profit margin. Kit-Kat needs to sell $2.50 candy bars and pepsi need to couple that with some pop corn and drink for only $8.00.

This technology encourages an investment into something with a guaranteed return. Get Lawrence Taylor to jackoff into a cup. Mix in an egg or two from Serena Williams - and you might have the most devestation athlete to have ever lived. Mix this with up and coming gene splicing technology and you wouldnt even need any lube. DNA seems to be the hottet thing to steal these days. I assert that you could simply cut out the genes you don’t like, insert a little Andre Aggasi and let nature take it’s course.

Of course you could get a gifted athlete with no heart like A-Rod.

How long? I give it 5 years before someone official states that they are testing this. I give it 12 years after that before the first 6′5″, 280lb QB throws a Tecmo Bowl style bomb 80 yards for a score in the National Championship Game.

I called it here first

I’m not writing to lambast Mr. Michael “Greatest Olympian of ALL TIME” Phelps. That guy went out and shat on every other swimmer on the planet. He made us - as in we Americans - looks grrreat.

Then some prick here in Columbia, SC sold a pic of Mickey hitting the peacepipe.

That bastard needs to be drawn and quartered. Everyone has to know who sold the pic, because I doubt there were many people at the frat party. I wish it were one of my homeboys. I might have to slap him multiple times for being such an asshole. Whomever this asshole is just cost Herr Phelps millions of dollars in sponsorships.

Say it with the respect it deserves… Millions.

I was an RA in the sports dorm at my college for years. I saw a lot of stuff - but when the nosy reporter started emailing me, i told ESPN to eat a dick. Eat all the dicks. I struggled with the decision for a few days and then I realized something: there is nothing in the world that would make me say something that’d embarrass a fellow Gamecock in the national news. Money wouldn’t make me feel better. Fame wouldn’t erase the shame of disloyalty. I’d be like that prick lawyer in the second batman movie.

So i hope the ‘Prick who snapped the Pic’ gets hit by a car while crossing Blossom Street. I hope his car stalls on the train tracks out behind the Roost. I hope someone slips arsenic into his Bong… which won’t kill him, but make him very sick for a few days. Because what he did was betray a national hero for nothing.

NOTHING.

If you know this person, he or she can not be trusted. It’s only a matter of time before they catch you with their camera phone taking body-shots at Club Element or doing the Bologna Butt-Toss in Jillians. Any person willing to take down an icon like  Michaal Phelps is only a promotion away from emailing your drunken pictures to the entire office.

Thank you South Carolina - I’ve never been more proud of our state.

I expect the Cardinals - barring some complete break from their season successes - to drop 3 - 4 TDs on the Steelers today. I need Kurt Warner to get another ring. i need him to cause old men to argue over whether he deserves to be in the Hall of Fame.

I’m not sure, but this could hve been the worst seasono of all time. Nothing memorable happened. I was, overall, unimpressed with every football team in the entire league. Even my cowboys fell apart they same way they always do.

Go Cardinals.