Feb 23
2007 Graduation Speech
Inside every adult lurks a blogger dying to get out, some life-weary demoablogue eager to pontificate on life to young people who’d rather be BBQing and shooting hoops. Most of us, alas, will never be invited to sow wisdom among a field of caps and gowns, but there’s no reason we can’t entertain ourselves by composing a graduation speech. Everyone over the age of 26 should try this.
Ladies and gentlemen of the Blogging Class of 2007:
Always remember to bring a towel. Dont ask ‘why’, when you need one, you’ll thank me for it. If I could offer you only one tip for the future, a towel would be it. The long-term benefits of towels has been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.
‘Carpe Bloge’ Enjoy the power and beauty of your blog voice. You will not understand the power and beauty of your ideas until someone else has come along and ripped your angle. Trust me, in 1 week, you’ll flip back thru your blog scraps and scribbles and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous your ideas really were - just as you read it on someone else’s page.
Don’t worry about your blog. Or rather, worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The really good stories are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you driving back to work from lunch some idle Tuesday.
Post a blog every so often that you dont really agree with. Then defend it in the comments until someone calls you an idiot.
Cursing can be effective.
If you ever get the urge to quit blogging, trying flossing. if you can successful floss your teeth with regularity, you can do anything. Flossing is much harder than ‘not blogging’.
Don’t waste your time on blog jealousy. Sometimes you get 100 hits, other days you get 3 hits and theyre all yours. *shrug* fuggit.
Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Stand up and stretch. then make love to your significant other. then wash your fucking hands before you sit back down to type, you nasty bastard.
Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to blog about. The most interesting things i’ve read were written by people who had no idea what they were talking about. some of the most interesting people still dont.
Drink a decent beer while blogging or maybe a good wine. i love my rum and cokes.
Maybe you’ll get BOTD, maybe you won’t. Shit, maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t. Whatever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else’s.
Enjoy the blogosphere. Use it every way you can. Don’t be afraid of it or of what other people think of you.
Read these directions, then don’t follow them.
Understand that blog buddies come and go, but there are a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the longer you blog, and the more the blogoverse turns over, the more you need the people who knew you a year ago.
Travel. then blog about it
Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. then bash it as uncultured and harsh.
Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. then blog about how friggin wierd the fish-taco and guacamole eating hippies are.
Live in the South - drink sweet tea, eat shrimp & grits - then talk about how country they are
Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you’ll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and children respected their elders.
BTW, Respect your elders.
Have one blog buddy who is a spelling/grammer Nazi. Rather than be offending, be thankful that he caught you errors before too many people read your blog. (Socal is great at this.)
Every so often, write a blog about blogging.
Things that never get blogged enough: TO is a cancer, Barry Bonds is a cheat, A-Rod is a pussy, everyone hates the Yankee and Cowboys, no one respect Wisconsin, Duke sucks and NCAA football needs a playoff.
Remember that the worst ‘vice’ is ‘advice’. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.
But trust me on the towel thing.
