May 31
Integrity Jeopardy
Demonicume: ok everyone, Welcome to Hypocrisy Jeopardy- where your integrity is always in question. our contestants
today are all shady characters who are taking part in secret investigations of current athletic icons… as such, they shall remain nameless as a part of their plea deals. Shady
Character #1, you won the toss, so you get first pick. pick a category.
Shady#1: ummm, lemme get that ‘Chickens Coming Home to Roost‘ for a dub.
Demon: A what? look Padna’, we dont talk like that in front of the white folk. (looking into the camera and sounding a oddly more "professional") ok now! this
famous athlete is famously known as the Company Man. he’s sat idly by
for years while player after player was released before their option
year and then brought back for less money. Now after 3 injury ridden
seasons, and a higher INT to TD rate than Brett Favre - he’s been blind
sided by his GM who chose a scrub QB in the draft. Shady #2, your
finger was the fastest!!
Shady#2: ha, dats what she said Demo… ok, seriously, Who is Donovan McNabb?
(Crowd Boos)
Demon: oh, thats too bad, you were so close. Shady #3 you were next…
Shady #3: who is donovan mcflabb??
Demon: you are correct…
Shady#2: but thats WTF i said!!!
Demon (eyes glowing): how about you STFU or i’ll turn on the lights in this bitch? how much will your deal be worth then?
Shady #2: Grumbling
Demon: did you say something? I thought not. ok. Shady#3 the power is yours.
Shady#3: i’ll take take ‘Ruffin It Up‘ for a thousand.
Demon: looks like you hit our Daily Double. ok, get your pens ready.
The answer is thus: this group of people is harassing Michael Vick
like Florida Republicans harass Hispanics trying to vote. Shady #1
what is your answer?
Shady#1 - stupid people who let ESPN work them into a frenzy every 30
days or so? they’ll be pissed off about something else ESPN told them
to be mad about in 30 more days?
Demon: ooooo kaaaay. close, but no. lay off the crack, bruh. Shady#2?
Shady#2 - those Peta freaks who refuse to eat hamburgers and splash blood on people and call it free speach?
Demon: yup, i hate them fuckers, too. but no, thats not what our judges are looking for.
Shady#3 - the nasty fuckers who treat their animals like members of the
family. they mistake canine pack loyalty for love and can be seen
kissing their dogs on the mouth?
Demon: youre ri…
Shady#3 continues…in fact, these people display more affection
for an animal than they do for their fellow man? they have doggy health insurance and buy their dogs Xmas
presents?
Demon: #1: this is the last time you interrupt me, you got that? #2: you mustnt derogate Christ by relegating him to a symbol. you’ll
piss off our sponsors…
either way, youre all wrong. we were looking
for ‘Godamn Hypocrites’ Shady#3 since you gave the last correct
answer, the board is yours
Shady#3: i’ll take Slave Mentality for 500.
Demon: (muttering) who the hell named that category? ok! Slave Mentality. Rumor is that Billy Donovan is leaving Florida to coach the
Orlando Magic. We guess this is why he didnt take any of the numerous
deals. But there’s an outcry. the answer is: these people will cry the
loudest. Shady#1, nice to see youre still alive. whats your question?
Shady#1: Florida Fans who dont know how they’ll continue to win with subpar talent and without Billy D’s special coaching magic
Demon: close enough! (music plays)
oh well, thats all the time we have for the first
round, so i’ll give you this final answer . This
organization has been termed the No Fun League. It has enjoyed an
enormous amount of recent success. Unfortunately, organizational
performance is suffering. 2 bummed season finale’s in a row, off season
met with more turmoil than excitement… the organization is floating
ideas to globalize even as its treads down the path crated by the NHL
and MLB. Shady#3, your question?
Shady#3: i know this one: what is NASCAR!
Demon: i’m sorry but that is a correct answer though not the answer we wanted…. making it incorrect. we are all amazed your mother had any children that lived and we often wonder what you father must be like… NEXT!
Shady#2: What is the NFL?
Demon: (golf clapping) correct. look at you, all smart and stuff. you finally got one right.
Shady#2: F#@k you Demon-I-Cum.
(Demon’s eyes flash and the spotlight shines on contestant #2.)
Demonicume: why lookie here, its Mark McGwire!! who’da thunk you’d be a snitch on my show? guess that immunity isnt so ‘total’ anymore?
Mark McGwire: i’ll fucking bash your head in, you stupid Ni… (McGwire,
without his roids, can barely lift his bat. 3 big black guys with
braids and gold teeth carry his flaby arse back stage…)
Demon: (Smiling) and thats all we have for you today on Integrity
Jeopardy!! (aside to his producer) i need a double Cuba Libre w/ light ice, and 2 limes. i also need something in a 1987 - tall… maybe my height. light skin, dark hair, light
eyes. i dont want to listen to her talk, either, so i dont want no english
speaker, ya’ll got that? in fact, see if you can get me that deaf b.. what? (looking to the camery) see ya’ll next time!
