Shots From The Darkside

I want to coach little league football. lemme state that a little more clearly, i want to coach a pee-wee football team, and i want to play in the division across town from me, and i want to grind my buddy’s team into the ground.

We got into a heated discussion over some dubious play calling in the Gamecock choke-job against Tennessee.  I thought my points were logical. Granted, I do come at things oddly, but it ain’t my fault i think sideways - i don’t do it on purpose. Then after I’d convinced the entire room that Darkside tactics would have worked - therby making him appear the conventional shouting fool - he comes at me with:

“Curt, have you ever even played football?” Continue reading “I want to coach a little league squad.”

well, i’m back from myspace. Lady J chastised me for not ever responding to missives. my apologies, lady - i knew not what i was doing. myspace seems to be a place where a guy trying to lose himself can be found. my homeboy from elementary school found me. i’m happy that he’s doing well, i just don’t have much time to converse. life is hectic for me as my Son - Geordan - doesn’t allow me to do anything. i have to ask permission to use the bathroom and all he seems to be able to say is ‘no’. needless to say, i do the pee-pee dance alot.so i’m back, i’m black. me and the old lady are discussing Christmas, so get your check books ready. i don’t know if she reads this, but i’m quite sure that someone amongst her gang of Harleys reads this. not that i’m making fun of you great ladies, i speak of Harlequin from the batman series. she dated the Joker. she was fine as hell, too. she could kick ass. and no matter what the JOker did to her, she was right there. i’m not saying that what ya’ll represent at all. i’m just covering for the fact that i meant to say Harpy and i’m too lazy to go back and fix it.

so there.

i’m naked as i type this. my junk is sitting on the keyboard, which makes it incredibly hard to type. which reminds me, i was talking football with a little friend of mine when he asked me: ‘Demon, why is your penis different than mine?’ he’s a smart little guy so i figured i could break the truth to him.

‘Well,’ i said, ‘my penis is erect.’

did i mention that the kid is 30 years old? he’s proof positive that anal sex is like spinach: if youre forced to have it as a kid you wont like it as an adult. also, if it feels like more than 1 finger, its prolly a dick.

at this point, i’m babbling. As I type this, VaTech is beating BC. I’ve got a headache thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis big… but i can’t tell you her name.i’m literally 24 hours from driving to Louisiana and monkey stomping Drew B. believe that.

I use my mouse with my left hand. I do so because I’m not - in fact - left handed. fap-fap-fap. I’m ambidextrous which basically means i slap ass with both hands. so if you don’t like the sounds i make, dont be standing in the forest when i start chopping wood. Cuz if this tree falls on you in the forest youre going to a)cry that night and b) call the police in the morning. That last line was for the dumb people - you know the people too dumb to know they’re dumb. So if the joke dont offend you, youre not my target group. dont worry, you’ll forget I said this… cuz youre stupid.

so if a tree falls on a mime in the forst - do anyone care? or what about that time i walked up on 2 cannibals munching on a clown. no, i wasnt munching on a clown - i stopped seeing that broad before i met my Lady…. though i hear she’s married now. i hope she took my advice on the baking soda. P.U. - but it was 3am and i was out of lotion. so anyway, two mexicans were munching on a clown. no, wait. two clowns were putting hot sauce and pico on a mexican.

wait. now i’ve lost my whole train of thought. you wanna come again? the second one aint free. - you need to buy me a beer and curly fries.

so two cannibals are munching on a clown and one looks at the other and says: Yo, does this taste funny to you?

which reminds me of the time me and this chick Cathy were munching on a blond. I looked over at her and she says to me: yo, does this taste dumb to you??

maybe it happened that way. maybe it didnt. but my left hand is getting tired and i have to wash up. I hope VaTech wins and drive another nail into the BCS coffin.

I caught part of ESPN E:60 (or whatever it’s called) while hollerin at my son not to throw Mac and Cheese all over my freshly cleaned carpet. Tonite’s victim was Chad Johnson. It was a well done piece. I found Chad Johnson to be warm and inviting. He came across as intelligent and driven.

So I was dismayed when the little ‘Panel‘ started taking him apart; this left that light-skinned cat with invisible braces to defend Chad. It ruined the show for me. One reported complained that Chad loves the camera. I’ve not sure what the fuck that had to with anything. There was nothing in that entire report that showed Chad Johnson as a showboat. In fact, they discussed him cutting out his endzone antics to focus on helping the team more. This seemed like a great decision to me, so I don’t know why this idiot reporter went out of his way to slam Chad. It’s was tacky and uncalled for.

Next, the black female reporter - who is only on the show because she’s a twofer - Black and a Female - digs into Chad because he  doesnt spend enough time with his kids. Admittedly, CJ needs to be more careful with his seed as he has 4 kids in 2 states by 3 mothers. BUT, he provides for all of them and knows all of their names. I’ve never seen Chad in a paternity dispute and from what I saw on TV, the mothers and kids all get along great. So what was this bitch’s issue?

She’s a woman. I’ve yet to meet a sane/stright woman who wouldnt’ sell the long term for the short term.

She complained that Chad seemed OK with not seeing his kids months at a time. She actually seemed apalled that Chad sacrificed some time with his kids to ensure their futures. Chad is making money that his grandkids’ grandkids will spend. He found a way to ensure that at least 4 black children won’t end up in a foster home, strung out on coke, or robbing anyone. He made his money with the strength of his arm and the power of his character. He’s not some drug dealing bootlegging Rockafeller. He didn’t get rich illegally and then by his legitimacy like a Kennedy. Chad Johnson is selling his body to feed children who exist in a future so distant that they may never learn his name. I don’t know why this bitch is complaining. But something should be said for a guy who does the right thing by his kids.

Sure, maybe his kids will go thru a Teen angst period where they whine about the things Daddy never did. They’ll do it in designer clothes, eating fillet mignon and tiger prawns. They won’t be dodging drunken left hooks in some ghetto. They won’t be spicing up their Spam sandwiches with BBQ sauce or putting powdered milk in their cereal. Daddy’s got 10 years make millions - get off his nut sack..

Silly bitch; If I knew your name, I’d curse you by it.

Here’s to you Chad. I’m proud of you - you carried yourself well today.

keep moving. nothing going on here. i don’t know whether to shit or throw up. We lost to Vanderbilt. F U C K I N G Vanderbilt. I want to kick Blake Mitchel in the nuts for being a loser and the type of guy who snuff’s bouncers in front of his 14 year old dates. I want to plant Chris Smelley for not bring his ‘Da-Man Suit’ to the stadium Saturday. I want to shoot the fairgrounds employee who wouldn’ let me take my kid on a slide for whatever reason then allowed 3 other white people to take their toddlers… one of those white folk being my wife with the aformentioned kid. It’s bad enough the stadium parking is shared with fair parking… all around lousy weekend in every respect.

Bastards, all of you.

I guess I should just own up to it: I hate every team that isn’t the University of South Carolina Gamecocks. I’m not one of those platform homers. I don’t love my team first and the conference second and the division next. I don’t root for other teams, ever.

Fuck all that: If it ain’t Gamecock, it can kiss my ass. Continue reading “Truth From An SEC Turn coat”