Shots From The Darkside

This case has effectively become a lynching. In case you missed it, we have multiple arms of huge corporations and government entities working to convict a single man. This has already cost millions that could have been spent on a crime that will matter. This won’t go to trial, for the same reason the charge is perjury and not drug related. The government showed its hand when it leaked an official indictment to every media outlet in the nation yet withheld the same from Barry and his lawyers. Now these allegations must be presented in open court sans the legal misconduct. Also conspicuous is the absence of tax evasion and money laundering charges from the indictment. The government’s entire case includes only 4 shaky counts that rely heavily on an uncooperative witness. Those of us on the outside will finally be able to form our opinions based on all of the facts presented rather than relying on softcore speculation and the selectively leaked allegations from anonymous sources. This indicates to us Darkside strategists that the government was painted into a corner and had to make a call.

Enter Bud Selig.

With this indictment, Barry can finally be suspended. A player hasn’t been suspended prior to a trial in years, but it is within Bud’s power to do so. He was pushing for this last season. So wit this indictment, you best believe that Bud is looking down the long conference table and letting everyone know that Bonds has been burned and that he expects no interference. . It doesn’t matter who bought what from whom or who prescribed what to whomever’s retarded mother: someone has to be offered up to Congress as cover, anyone smaller than Bonds is won’t do.

We seem to recall that - and pardon our failing memories as we did a lot drugs in college - Bud has been secretly pushing for this indictment since before Bonds took control of the homerun record. It’s not even a difficult leap to make. He refused to show up for the actual hit. He refused to speak of it with an candor to the press. In fact, prior to the actual homerun, we had the feeling that Bud was up to something. If only he coulda had another week. If only he coulda had another month. If only, if only…

Bud Selig was in control of baseball during the supposed steroid era. He’s on record as having done absolutely nothing while his players used chemicals that were conveniently legal at the time. Now, on the leading edge of a Senatorial take over of baseball, Bud is cutting his losses and dropping depth charges. The last thing he wants is for Congress to dip the tip of its cock into the baseball jar a second time. Once done with Bonds, they might decide to squash MLB’s ridiculous lawsuit against fantasy baseball companies. In this situation Bud actually needs Bonds. Therein lies Barry’s power.

What if Bonds were to submit to the power of the Darkside?

Bud Selig is waaay to dumb to realize the can of worms he’s opened up. The testimony is unsealed now and Bonds is no longer bound by law from discussing it: he finally gets a chance to present his case. We believe Buddy is counting on Bonds’ arrogance to prevent any kind of Seppuku. To take it a step into the Darkside, what if Bonds gots on the stand and kicked off (fabricated) a scenario in which Bud knowingly allowed players to game the system. Could Bud prove his innocence? Could Bud’s position stand that, or would fans pledge jihad and unseat him? It wouldn’t even matter if what Barry said was true because he’s already on trial for perjury. How long would it take Bud to make a phone call and have this trial annulled? Senators could even make a deal with Barry, once he’s started talkin shit, they could barter (blackmail) Selig for all sorts of gifts. It’d be just like MLB was a real corporation with a larger responsibility to its stock holders than it’s fan base… (oops).

In our closing, we’d spin a scenario so sweeping in its accusations that MLB would visibly shudder as we finished our testimony. Can you hear the vibrating cell phones? Can’t you just taste the Crackberries? Our tale would be character assassination on a level never scene before. We’d be the steroid version of Frank Lucas, and my finger pointing would include everyone from Buddy Boy to the Big Mac’s bat boy. Here on the Darkside, we burn our bridges so that no one can follow us. Were it we, baseball as we know it would go down in flames. ESPiN would explode in the confusion and there’d be pre-ejaculate all over the court room. In the ensuing chaos, we’d play the victim - finally lowering our shroud of arrogance and show true vulnerability. We would then challenge everyone who ever proffered the theory that an apology and a little shame would lead to atonement because our apology would amaze and delight. Our apology would shock and awe. In the end, even Peter Gammons would cry. We would appear appropriately contrite as Bud Selig lost his job and retired in the shit storm he so rightly deserves. Then I’d cop a plea for a vacation in some corporate resort and manage my interest rates via the internet.

2 years later, I’d get out and still be insanely rich- fuck every one of you very much.

Gentlemen, we firmly believe that a defendant should force the prosecution to prove their case rather than vice versa. But you must first realize that this case was never meant to succeed. They waited 4 years trying to crack Greg, and they couldn’t go much further as the grand jury term was ending this month, and it would’ve required a 4th term next year. Greg didn’t talk. Whatever will the government do now. For those of us still concerned with judicial integrity may want to apply that concept to the prosecutors in their dealings with Greg, and his imprisonment for on false pretenses. We think that the cost of housing and feeding Greg while in prison should come out of the DA’s pockets - tax payers shouldn’t be forced to buy this asshat’s suits AND pay for his failed legal gambles. While we agree that issues regarding the resources expended are problematic from a taxpayer perspective have no relevance to Bonds’ innocence or guilt, we maintain the point that this is just another wasteful proceeding. Prosecutors should spend our tax dollars working towards the public good. Even were it to go to trial, this case has a very low chance of success. The Federal conviction rate is being overstated, as even the reputable sources inflate the percentage by including plea deals. The actual conviction rate on perjury charges for cases actually completed is 34%. (2004 was the last year the numbers were compiled and published).

Even their evidence is fake, the alleged failed test was not a MLB test. Bonds has never failed an MLB issued drug test. This test is from Nov 2000, and the report is based on documentation indicating Bonds failed an internal Balco test. Unfortunately for the DOJ, they have yet to prove it is credible or linked to Bonds. Bonds, Greg, and Conte have denied it. Remember the leaked testimony, the lawyer who leaked it was disbarred and sentenced to 2.5 years in a federal prison. Things does not bode buena for the prosecution. They should have cut their losses with Michael Vick.

Though in the minds of your average stupid baseball fan, an indictment is just as good as a conviction. Fans don’t care to wait for both sides to present their case. That should scare the hell out of everyone reading this. Witness the fallout from the leaked indictment… rather than this indictment being the beginning of the end for Barry Bonds, many cheer as if it were the end. This miscalculation, and the apathy and ignorance it implies, may just be the crack the Barry Bobblehead needs wiggle into retirement rather than handcuffs. A least for now, we can rejoice in our Moral Victory.