Shots From The Darkside

Simple… Elegant… Demonicume

1) In a fight to the death, which movie bad ass would you choose?

1. Maximus Decimus Meridias
2. Leonidas (300)

I chose - Achilles from the movie Troy. In a battle between Maximus and Leonidas, I think that Maximus would win simply because he’s displayed the greater single combat skills. Leonidas is the man, for sure, as intensity alone draws me to this move over and over. But Brad Pitts character in the Troy had the most compelling story. He was the most emotionally damaged of the 3, and he display the most brilliant fighting skills. Plus, he bangs a pretty hot broad in the movie. I love chicks with dark hair.

2) Whats in yer cup?

1. Coca Cola minus the coca
2. Pepsi

I love Pepsi for sure. But down here in the South, Coke has made Hotlanta think its the King City of the South. Mofos walk around here calling everything a damned Coke. Naw, bitch, it’s a gods-be-damned rootbeer. Say it with me now. Now everybody SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAM! Coke wins this for me, though. Coke provided a suitable chaser for all my Liquors. I rarely sip it in it’s non-alcoholic state. Pepsi makes an awful chaser as it doesn’t mix with with SoCo or Captain Morgans.

3) Who’s the bigger asshole?

1. Terrell Owens
2. Billy Belicheat?

I’mma have to go with Billy on this one. Both of these guys would make a nun pull a pistol and go Waco. But Billy was caught carousing with another man’s wife. If that aint bad enough, he wants to wife the bitch up. He was caught sending her money in the mail. Billy’s a dumb asshole. 1) you dont send cash in the mail. I’m surprised she ever got the letters with the current state of the post office. 2) You don’t bang another man’s wife unless she’s super fine and her man is a complete asshole… and you don’t know him. Billy knows this guy. 3) You don’t wife up a slut who cheated on her husband. She cheated with you, Belly-Boy, and you ain’t no Brad Pitt. It’s obvious what’s twisting her squirrel up and it’s not you. She cheated on her man with you, and as soon as she has complete access to bank account, she’ll find another ugly old man to hump.

T.O. is way to in love with himself to get caught rubbing another man’s rhubarb.

And finally, this week’s Photoshop.

The Pretty Boy

We’ve been assailed with the greatness of Tom Brady. I can’t really say if he’s great or not. I don’t have a clear recollection of the last great QB. I’m 31, which means I watched Joe Montana and Steve young and Troy Aikman, but I was a kid: my memory can’t be trusted. After ever game, I’d go into the back yard and pretend to be those guys. My memory can’t be trusted because it’s tainted with idolatry. I can’t, then, make a real comparison between Tom Brady and those guys from my childhood. Do he play well? Sure. But he has the Great Wall of China blocking for him. I’ve seen that when Brady gets rushed - the 2 or 3 times its happened all season - he screws up. So is his greatness a combination of talent and circumstance? We’ll never know. It’s hard to get a good impression because of the people out there already campaigning for his Hall of Fame ballot. Sure, he bangs super models and poses for GQ. He’s real sexy now. But I remember watching his first game with some sluts back in a barracks space. He wasn’t very sexy then. It’s difficult for me to take his fame seriously when it’s obviously so contrived by agents and publicists. Ask those same sluts - now mothers and wives - what they think of Brady and they’ll wax poetic about how they watched his first game ever… they always neglect to mention how much shit they talked about him for the rest of the game. I’ve tried bringing it up and everyone looks at me like I’m a hater. I’m not a hater, I’m just questioning the validity of my memories and the opinions formed from them. Far as I’m concerned, no one played the position better than Steve Young. He wasn’t some fat-assed QB squatting in the pocket. He wasn’t some sleek, black panther running to cover for his weak arm. From College to Pros, Steve was the real deal… the first complete QB to win a Super Bowl. I’ll take Steve over anyone ever… Of course I made that decision when I was a teenager.

The Bitch

I don’t like Eli. I don’t like his father. I don’t like his brother. I’ve been to Neyland Stadium twice in my life and I hated it. I remember Peyton refusing to sign a kids football. I remember him guaranteeing a win against my Gamecocks - a game in which he threw 6 INTs and lost his Heisman. I hate Eli because of the way he came into the NFL. I hate his supposed pedigree. I don’t think he’s very intelligent. He has skills to be sure, but I can’t get by how he got to New York.

I don’t know who to pull for in this Super Bowl. I’m not convinced that either of these guys deserves it. I’ll give Eli the slight edge because he doesn’t have Randy Moss of Billy Bellicheat on his team.

Yup, thats it.

I spent last night drinking with the boys and watching what’s left of Boxing.

The fight between Heavyweight Andrew Golota and the Mike Mollo was pretty good. It was obvious that Mollo began to suffer from exhaustion around the 4^th or 5th round and never recovered. The announcers noticed it. We noticed it. But I never got the impression that Golota noticed. Or rather, I don’t think he had the ability to do anything about it. Golota seemed a little ‘Lebronesque’, didn’t strike me as a killer. Old boxers like Tyson and Holmes and Ali were predators. They were always laying in wait to finish a guy off. They were naturally gifted and used those gifts to set up their prey. But the Golota didn’t show that killer instinct. He’s so big, and his opponents are normally so physically outmatched, that all he has to do is lean on them for a few rounds and then knock them out. He doesn’t have any real boxing skill. His jab is lame and slow. His defense isn’t that great. His hands aren’t that quick. He doesn’t have to be good at any particular skill because no one is big enough to hurt him. Time and time again Mollo dropped the hammer on Golota, and he simply shrugged it off. He depends too much on his bulk.

Real brawler like Tyson, Holmes or George Foreman would have slipped those fat-assed jabs and broken this guy’s nose.

A real boxer like Ali would have worked that guy over for 1 round and finished him in the 11^th.

Sure enough, Golota’s eye was swollen shut midway thru the fight. I’m no boxing expert, but I do know that when you hurt your opponent, you should go for the kill. Were I Mollo, I’d have beaten that eye until either the ref stopped the match or that eye rolled back into Golota’s skull. It’s obvious, when an opponent is favoring a side; you step and punch in that direction. It’s weakens blows from the strong side and exposes the weakened body part to more damage. Like I said, I’m not a boxer. Maybe there’s some special technique to losing a match that I don’t know about. I would have caved Golota’s orbital socket in.

Roy Jones is, by far, my favorite boxer behind Mike Tyson and Ali… in that order. I love watching him bait his opponent into making mistakes. Felix Trinidad never had a chance from the opening bell. Jones didn’t dominate the early rounds, but he displayed lightning quick hands and the best defense in the game. Most people hate Roy because he showboats. You gotta think deeper than that. His chin waggle and foot shuffle - while great fun for us fans - baits his opponent into exposing himself to counter punches. Guy like Trinidad like to sit within their shell and throw blows. Waggling his chin out there lie a target made Felix Trinidad throw wild left hooks again and again, which Jones then slipped and countered with strait rights – rights that ultimately sent Tito to the floor 2 times.

This is why he lost: Roy Jones outsmarted him.

I didn’t score the fight nearly as closely as the judges seated ringside. The commentators noted early, Trinidad’s best weapon - his left hook - was going to be largely useless against a fighter like Jones. Jones is too savvy to be caught his opponent’s best weapon, too quick to be caught off guard and his defense is solid to allow such a shot to connect. Trinidad should have changed game plans. The referee allowed Trinidad to get away with dozens of belt-line shots. The commentators also called a number of Tito’s punches as connecting when in fact they missed or glanced off a well placed forearm.  In the meanwhile, Roy Jones bashed in Trinidad’s face at will. It didn’t matter whether Trinidad was the aggressor or not, he couldn’t land a shot. Roy Jones danced, smiled, and waggled his head throughout the entire fight and scored two knock downs.

I got the impression that the ringside commentators were doing their best to cover for a poor performance from Trinidad. He showed no initiative and didn’t take any real risks. Meanwhile Roy displayed why he is the most exciting boxer since Mike Tyson donned the shredded towel and black Nikes.

Overall it was a decent night of fighting. Here are some suggestions for boxing.

Get rid of Pay-Per-View. With declining interest, Boxing prolly thinks that pay per view is a way to maintain revenue. This is good thinking in the short term. That’s why boxing is doing worse than hockey. If boxing means to regain its previous stature, it’s got to find a way to reach the fans. I had a good time watching the matches with my friends. It was an exciting event. We had beer and BBQ and liquor. Yet therein lay the issue… it shouldn’t’ have been such a big deal as there were no belts on the line. Those fights weren’t worthy of pay per view. Every decent fight shouldn’t be on pay Per View. Boxing needs to promote local fights on local TV. We need to see big names fighting on free television. I almost didn’t go last night because of how far I’ve fallen out of love with boxing. Then I nearly left after the Golota fight. I really didn’t stay for the boxing. It was nearly 1am, I was a drunken 30 minute ride home, it was raining and my car was blocked in the drive way. That’s why I stayed and watched the fight.

Boxing needs to adopt the WWE business model. Then I might be tempted to watch another fight. I’m just not interested in paying for it.

 It’s time to get rid of Don King. This guy has dragged boxing into the gutter. Seeing him on the HDTV made us change the channel from the undercard to the East West Game. We all grew up on Mike Tyson and we all remember well what happened once that parasite Don King came on the scene. If boxing gave a damn about its own livelihood - if it truly sees MMA in the rearview - it’d go the WWE route until it rebuilt its fandom.

Get rid of the current weight class structure. I’ve been watching boxing since I was 10 and I still have no idea what the hell a super fly weight is. There should still be classifications, but I don’t think a guy should have to put on 20 or 30lbs simple to fight someone in the next weight class. It may behoove said boxer to gain the weight, but it shouldn’t be a rule – let him fight someone bigger if he wants to. Honestly, how well does Trinidad fight Roy Jones if he doesn’t have to adjust his weight and fight heavy? How many losses would Jones have if he hadn’t gained 30lbs to win the heavy weight title and then dropped that same weight to fight little girls like Tito Trinidad? It’s taxing on the body. I don’t really think it’s possible to lose that much weight and maintain boxing skills, especially at 35+ years.

I want to see a pound for pound champion. So if some super fly weight thinks he can jump into the ring with a super heavy weight, let it be so. Knock outs aren’t the only way to win a match. A skinny little welter-weight will probably outbox a heavy weight and may even pull off a victory. I’d pay $50 to see a true pound-for-pound champ.

And let’s only have 2 belts per class. How about a world champion and a continental champ per every weight class? Let’s even make it an actual world championship which invites fighters from other continents to compete.

Just some ideas.
Peace.

welcome to the sensual chaos entitled Shots from the Darkside. I be Demonicume, your host on this quick tour thru the real. Buckle your seat belts. Tuck your valuables in your socks or bras respectively and beware: here there be monsters. Take a second to read the disclaimer:

If you are a sensitive person, please back your sensitive ass out my blog

Thank you much, Management.

Baseball is going down. We should all stand by and watch the he-said, she-said. Why anyone would believe a crook like McNamee is beyond me. We’re I The Rocket, I wouldn’t say a damn thing to anyone. Stupid people believe in stupid things like circumstantial evidence. It’s circumstantial, meaning it’s only real if you look at it in a certain light. Perception is reality, and years ago people thought the world was flat. They had numbers to prove. Given the data at the time, they were right. Enter McNasnitch. Why should we believe someone who only benefits from making his story as awful as possible? What about that circumstance. Children do that. You bust Johnny for slapping Joseph and before you know it, he’s telling you how JOseph slapped michael 2 days ago.

I think Roger did it. I’ve always thought he was a roid freak. 10 years later, the rest of you finally believe it too and you come at me with some chump, stool pigeon trainer? fuck that. I need proof from a reliable source… Well, i would need proof if i cared… which i don’t.

baseball is  going down, i hope they at least give us fans the shitty finger.

That’s my golden rule.

I don’t believe in the greater food. In my perfect world, everyone does for themselves and the weak get the shaft. I believe that 9/10’s of society operates by some false set of ideals which allows the other 10% to take advantage of them. My world is more Paradise Lost than Pleasantville. In this drama, Mephistopheles is represented by success. What would you do for a Klondike bar? Or a signing-bonus? Or a Superbowl ring? When poised on the razor’s edge of fame and infamy, would you give the last full measure of devotion to guarantee success? If you say not, you’re a liar. Better to rule in Hell than serve in heaven, right? The Ends justify the Means?

So what’s my issue with Billy Bellicheat? Bill Belly, How Do I Hate Thee?

I hate Billy Bellicheat not because he cheated, but because he cheated stupidly. He cheated a guy who knew his cheatin ways. I’d have snitched, too. That, right there, is hubris. BB thinks he’s above the rules. He doesn’t even have to be sneaky when he cheats. He’ll cheat and all youz bastards will secretly cheer for him…

I also hate Billy Bellicheat because he gave that asshole Randy Moss credibility. Randy Moss has had a great season; the best of his career. But he’s still a fuckin quitter. Times change, people do not. Put Moss back in Oakland and he has another substandard season… period. Moss only plays hard when he feels like it. Why do I prefer Team Obliterator over Randy Moss? Because even when the chips are down, even when he’s injured, even when the media is posted outside his house waiting for him to do a crunch or blast his QB — he plays his ass off. I don’t give a damn about anything that happens off the field as long as my player does his job. Randy brags about playing when he feels like it. He could be seen on the sideline relaxed and laughing during blowouts. He’s even walked off the field, leaving his team to face the shame of a loss alone. Without dependability, there can be no trust. Without trust, there can be no love. Without love, there is no team. So why split hairs about two assholes? One asshole gets you 2 TDs and 100yrds even when you’re 6-10 - the other walks off the field before the final gun. He quits in the first quarter.

I also hate Billy because doesn’t have any scrubles. With him there is no honor amongst thieves. When Mangini went back to the Patriot’s facility to pick up his office and desk items, his security card didn’t work. Billy even screws his players. Four years ago, Richard Seymour lost a family member to cancer. When Seymour didn’t return in time for a Friday practice, Belichick benched him for the start of the next game. ASSHOLE

SIDENOTE/TANGENT: I remember being late to work the day I found out my father died. I also remember getting reprimanded. Upon getting the Red Cross phone calllater that morning, my 1SG (E-8) didn’t back down an inch. Not only did I get a company grade Article 15, he had the nerve to be magnanimous about it. Having been in Seymour’s cleats, I laud him for not bitch slapping Billy Bell. I would have been all over ESPN, Latrell Sprewell style.

A lot can be said of the company you keep - birds of a feather and such. Bob Knight is Bellicheat supporter; though, I’m not sure who is the winner in this association. Billy Bell’s personality has been likened to that of a stray dog. He carouses with married women. He is even too good to sake hands in the middle of the field. Why isn’t he being hammered about this? its cuz he’s white… ain’t it?Billy does things that’d be unacceptable if he were young and black. It’s just a theory. Shit, I don’t know. I do know that his attitude, carriage and practices are repugnant. It’s good that the Pats are winning during the worst football in the history of the game. Everybody sucks right now, so we’ll never really know how good the team is. But Billy Bell is an asshole. I can’t get by that part. I’d celebrate Brady just because he’s not Peyton Manning…

But he’s only successful because his coach is an asshole.

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