Shots From The Darkside

Chris Berman is an asshole. Pop over to Youtube or Deadspin, and you’ll find several videos of Berman losing his goddamned mind. It’s something I think about constantly, because I work in tech support. Daily, I deal with easily intimidated, ignorant and just plain stupid customers. I deal with IT guys with decades more experience and a gaggle of acronyms that’s supposed to mean they know something about IT. They get the ass with me, the little guy just trying to keep his son in pampers. They don’t know I’m a veteran who dodged bullets for a cause he never believed in. They don’t know I’m a musician who mastered the one instrument no one wants to play but every orchestra needs… the tuba. I’m a basic guy doing his best to do the right thing. These IT guys don’t give a fuck, though. They escalate and yell and then escalate and yell until they get me: middle management. What a fucking joke. I spend more time apologizing for shit hat had nothin to do with me than I spend doing IT related shit. I didn’t do it, but I’m doing my best. OK? Can you back-back outta my face?

That’s why I hate Chris Berman.

The guy’s an asshole. He pops off on camera like his shit doesn’t stink. He’s some Ivy League twit who found a job being a loveable joke. If I ever met him, I’d crush his fucking nose. NO one ever fights for he little guy. I watch Chris feign anger because some 7 million dollar WR wants 9 Million… Everyone’s selfish in Chris’ eyes. But he can’t humiliate some low wage sound guy for crossing the camera?

Well fuck you Christopher James Berman.

In these videos, you can see Chris flying off the handle at Techs and camermen. Who the hell does this asshole think he is? He’s a bad anchor on a bad channel. He’s a fan of a bad team: the Bills. He’s also real lucky there ain’t no one on the set like me.

I’d've busted his fat ass from one side of the room to the other for speaking ill of me. They woulda had to call the law to get me off of him. No job in the world is worth my self respect. I’ve not heard an apology or remorse. what he said was:

Do I wish I didn’t say a few things nine years ago? Yes. But if that’s the worst thing I ever did, I can live with it.

Thanks for the non apology, Fatboy. I hope yer fat ass dies from a heart attack. I hope the only guy in the room is the poor schmoe you hollered at. Then and only then would there be justice.

fucker.

Watching things like that makes my Agent Orange act up. It gets my ire up in the worst way. Knowing that I get treated worse as a civilian doing a pointless job then I did as a soldier with lives on the line depresses me to no end. Watching that fat bastard punk some intern makes want to stab him with a rusty screwdriver and then piss in the hole.

I called myself hitting the hardwood sunday night. The weight’s been coming off slowly but steadily. I’ve been feeling more limber and had more stamina - if stamina even matters 5 years into a marriage. I’m fitting back into slacks and button-ups that I haven’t worn since 2005. All’s well in fat-land. So what do I do? I get caught in reminiscing about the last time I was this small. So i took my sloppy ass back on the court. Here are ten things I know today that I didn’t know 27 hours ago:

1. Grown men - as in 25+ years - should never play ball with boys (<25 years ). They run all game for no reason. Every play looked like a damn fire drill. We had guys sprinting all over the god dmn court just to miss lay ups. don’t they teach Basketball fundamentals in Phys-Ed anymore? Jesus. which leads me to…
2. Fundamentals are dead. I remember being short and fat. So i had to develop fundamentals to keep up with the kids over 6′3. I worked hours on my left-right dribbling skills, on my bank shots. I never pretended I was Michael Jordan, I pretended to be Charles Barkley setting mean blind side screens and rebounding. Because everyone 1)is right handed and 2)sucked, i always had a free lane to the basket as long as I went left.
3. No one can dribble with their left hand. WTF? Why are kids driving the left baseline right-handed and tryin to finish with the right? Can you say ‘BLOCK CITY’?
4. Everyone is concentrating so hard on scoring that they always missed the easy pass. Sometime, one more pass can make all the difference. Having a foot in the paint doesn’t give one the right to spin away from the hope and shoot a fall away. BITCH, I’m right here on the low block with my hands up. PASS ME THE BALL!
5. I knocked down many short range jumpers simply because everyone was in the paint waiting for me to crash into the paint and finger roll over 5 defenders. Not gonna happen.
6. There’s always one mouth on the court. He always picks me because I’m built like a small bus. And I always leave him in the dust sucking air.
7. My jumper is still only good out to the 3 point line. I’m better off screens and in traffic.
8. My brother has a good jumper from anywhere… but lets not let him handle the rock.
9. I’m too old to run for 3 hours. I stretched before AND after the game. I drank a gallon of water and ate 2 bananas… I still woke up at 4am with cramps. DAMN!
10. I need to find a court packed with old men who appreciate the pick-and-roll.

All in all, I think I’m still good enough for a 2nd pick.

I can’t express in word how disappointed I felt leaving the Gamecock Arena last night. We played Mississippi State. It should have been great, one of my friends managed to swing a booth in the corporate section. There, we were treated with all manner of cheeses and meats. Drinks were free - even if it was just Bud Lite, champagne and coke. The game, however, was extremely lame. I’m going to do a little dance when Dave Odom retires. I don’t know how he won anything at Wake Forest.

2 years ago, on the day my son Geordan was born, I attended my last Gamecock basketball game. My son was born at 7am. At 7pm I was seated in the pep band doing my best to remember the fight song. We played Wofford. An oddity is that all the posters from that year show the game as being on December 29, 2005. Because I know my son was born December 28, 2005, I know it’s an error. The game was boring. Dave Odom has his offense running some gay weave offense that involves 4 men outside the 3 point line passing the ball and one power forward in the paint waving his hands. One would think that someone would think to pass the ball to the inside guy. But no: 8 perimeter passes and a brick tossed at the rim. It looks similar to the offense we ran against florida in the SEC championship a few years back. 7 seconds to go; down by 1 point - what do you do? We make 4 perimeter passes and toss up a three.

skip forward 2 years

I’m in a booth drinking mimosa and eating cheese with algae or some shit in it. Now everyone wants Dave Odom’s head. His team has played a boring game and we’re up by three. Less than 30 seconds to go and the Bulldogs are passing the ball up the court. Dave Odom’s team is looking confused and unfocused. Some white kid gets behind the Gamecock transition defense and our Russian player - we always seem to have one on our squad - tackles him at the 3 point line. Now he gets 3 shots and everyone knows he’s going to make. Only gunslingers pull up for 3 during fastbreaks, and white gunslingers don’t miss freethrows. He knocks down all 3 shots and the Gamecocks inbound the ball. We can come down and put up 2 points. We could drive the lane and get the foul. It’s not difficult. It’s in the bag, right?

Wrong.

We get to 3-point line and start that same weaving, perimeter, ball control bullshit again. I swear to God that I’d have shot Dave Odom right there, were I armed. 10 seconds tick off the clock and then 10 more. We’ve made 8 passes and NOT ONE SINGLE GAMECOCK HAS MADE A MOVE TO THE BASKET. Someone throws up a wild 3 pointer and we go into overtime. I started drinking heavily at this point. After a 2 year hiatus from Gamecock Basketball featuring Dave O-DUMB, I see nothing has changed. He’s an idiot and anyone reading this would have coached a better game. Jesus Christ, at that moment I’d've gone down on someone to get Eddie Fogler back.

==edit==

at this point i spoke of non sports related things that happened after the game. it involves 3 patrol cars, Sakiand some redneck county sheriff who poked his head into my bro’s car and say

“whats someone like you doing driving this car?”

the rest of the night did not go well.

i always refused to watch Coach Carter. I missed it in the theaters, then someone told me the ending. Now, I’m not a guy who gets mad when you tell me an ending. You do me a service when you let me know the ending sucks. During my lifetime, movies have gone from ending ‘happily ever after‘ to all ending like Crash. When the lights come on now, you’re not sure whether you liked it or not. We spend days debating the meaning of endings which doesn’t get settled until the DVD get released and we watch the ‘alternate ending’. It’s almost like directors now-a-days have 2 endings for every movie: the perfect ending, and the worst ending imaginable. As of late, it’s been in fashion skip the perfect ending and sub in the ending that scratches people’s heads. It’s for that reason that I don’t go to a movie unless I’m sure the ending isn’t some soliloquy in premature ejaculation. Watching a move that’s great for 9/10’s of the show length is like eating my favorite meal and polishing it all off with a kick in the nutts. NOw-a-days, love stories end with sadness. acton flicks end with the hero dying. its like going to a fine restaurant and ordering their worst dish…

The way things generally work out for me in real life, my team makes it to the finals and loses on the last shot of the game. In my experience, Cinderella gets car-jacked on the way to the ball, raped and left for dead in the bushes. In my story, Rudy never sees the field. Look: I’ve had enough unhappy endings to push me into my final parking space, I don’t need to leave the theater feeling worse than when I paid for the ticket.

Enter Coach Carter.

It was heartwarming. It was moving. I got chills… but I won’t be watching the ending. Movies like these set you up for failure. I generally watch movies as an escape from the hustle of diapers and work an real life. I don’t need some lame movie setting me up, making me feel all cuddly inside and then scuffing my manhood with her incisors. A sports movie that ends without the protagonist hoisting a trophy is like a porno without the money shot: all sound and fury, signifying nothing. I did find this line by Timo - the Hispanic drug dealer - very powerful

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It’s not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

That’s powerful… “There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine…”

It’s like I say all the time: my vanity has nothing to do with you. My promoting myself as #1 does not automatically make you #2. I exist outside of - and in no relation to - you. In the end, we both can be #1.

That’s the issue people have with loud mouth WRs and basket ballers. in the average man’s eyes, the loudmouths are putting themselves above everyone else. but ya’ll must understand that it is possible for me to ‘do me’ without shitting on your parade. I simply say that your emotional standing isn’t my responsibility. I don’t humble myself so that you can feel better about yourself; and neither do you have to humble yourself for me.

Perception being reality, I do know that wasn’t the point of the movie. I was just sayin…

At the gym yesterday, I had a revelation on how much it’s like church to it’s patrons.

I hadn’t been to the gym since New Years Day, and they called me to make sure I was still alive and still a member. It didn’t take me long to recognize the people who miss the point completely: some go there far too often while other only go on holidays. Some people were there just to show off that they go to the gym ie.e. Super Gym = Instant Status. Our gym is one of those huge gyms with a daycare and 50 inch plasmas in the locker rooms. I see people who show up just to show off their name brand work out gear. They profile by the machines that make them look the best. There are chicks in special classes and there are guys who sign up for those special classes for these chicks.

The gym is just like the last church I attended, even down to the overdressed owner in his shiny suit pressing palms and talking too loudly by the door. yes sir, I paid my bill. please get out of my way.

Me? I’m there for spiritual improvement. I see my belly in the mirror and realize that I have forsaken that which had formerly sustained me. Officially 20lbs lighter than I was the last time I wrote about losing weight, I still have 20lbs more to go before I’ll feel comfortable taking off my shirt at the pool in front of the cute little 18 year old lifeguards.

On a side note, I saw all the broken down Carolina players from various sports. I saw the track/basketball guy who used to dunk on me at the Blatt P.E. center and only pledged my frat because he needed some street cred around campus. Most athletes are too pretty to bother with midnight paddlings and  early morning beatdown sessions. You mention hot iron brands and they run like little bitches. When a basketball players decides to follow thru the process of becoming a brother, he either is a puss who needs the cred to get laid or he really believes.

I’m not sure who is the bigger fool. I pledged for the networking: I’ll never be without a job long as my brads don’t wash off.

I also so an old football player. I picked him out by his red Carolina workout shorts - the color and style places him in school right about the time I left. He hopped on the bench and started working out with 225lbs. He pushed it 25 times - which is great if you’re in the combine. I remember when I could push it a few sets myself.

All in all, I managed to get my work out done. I’m sore as hell, which is just punishment for my neglect. I’ve got 20lbs more pounds to lose before I’ll be able to comfortably pass an Army PT test. I could prolly pass it now, but I’d look real stupid doing it.

I gotta go pack my clothes and shoes for my daily vigil. You guys really oughta see the little mixed chick at the desk. She is fucking amazing. If there was ever a female that imbued the best qualities of a black-asian-white mix, this doll is the one. Most guys go to the desk simply to flirt with her. Too bad she’s only 21. I’d do awful things to her , but I’ve been with a couple 21 year-old checks and it’s vastly overrated.

There’s something to be said for a sexy 30+ year old chick who pulls up to the gym in her own Lexus… plus, by thirty, they’ve gotten their fellatio game down pat, which is WAAAAY more important than looks.
Anyways, I’m really out this time.

DemonC

ps. if your text editor doesn’t show up properly, clear your cache and try it again. if it leaks into the categories bar, it cus you have a plugin or two which adds button the text editor and extends the top row. I’ll move some of the buttons tonite when i get back from my ‘meeting’.