Shots From The Darkside

#1. lemme say that this article will have no point other than what’s posted in the title. You could stop here and know what I’m about to say.

#2. This is meant to piss some people off. It won’t piss off yous guys in the ‘clique’, but I write it in hopes that some fUx skulker will read and plagurize it.

#3. The Point: Fan’s are fucking stupid.

Sports fans show their below average intelligences all the time. They can’t think a thought without premission from ESPN. Within 30 minutes of the first airing of the daily Sports Center, Neaderthals are standing in breakrooms across the US misquoting the shit they heard on TV.

“Here’s why the Cowgirls need PacMan more than Pacman needs the Cowgirls.”

“TMAC is a choke artist. a triple double? so-the-fuck what? He only had 1 point in the 4th.”

The examples are endless, yet the point is thus: now that our sports are looped in an endless 24 hour news cycle, reporters think of every possible angle before we fans do. Like some super logic engine, the sports giants brainstorm every single angle and then chip away at it until they find something that rings true. Like Angent Smith’s monologue with Morpheus in The Matrix - The Sports pundits tell us what to think.

Now we believe in imaginary things like locker room chemistry. It’s a ploy, a misnomer, a lie. Jim Rome can talk all he wants about locker room chemistry - but he’s never been an athlete in a lockerroom. He’s always been cock watcher. He’s never played a sports. He’s never missed a free throw and killed playoff hopes. He’s never ’swung and missed’ and gone 0-4. he’s never worn pads or taken a hit.

But there are assholes - or Clones as he calls them - quoting him in the break room.

Yes, fans are stupid. That’s why ESPN has to tell us what to think. That’s why Pacman Jones was punished by the NFL before he had seen the inside of a court room. The NFL doesn’t know much, but it actually believes that it’s image can get hurt. I daresay that Tom Brady could throw a touch down, throw up a gang sign and then take a shit in the endzone and no one would care. Oh sure, it’d be all over Youtube. Tommy’d issue some half-assed apology. Billy Belicheat would grunt and it’d be all over. Mark May - or which ever token negro is sitting up there - would tell you what to think, then they’d bounce over to Chris Asshole Berman.

Then some MLB player would bitchslap his wife in the middle of Chicago… and it’d get no air play. BUT WAIT. I think we just got a report that Terrell Owens just farted. QUICK… lets see what the fall out is in the locker room. What does Tracy McGrady have to say about it?

“It’s all my fault. It’s my fault we missed free throws. It’s my fault we lost both games. Blame me. It’s my fault we fouled to tie the game up. That’s my fault. It’s my fault they get easy layups. It’s my fault we’re not executing well on the offensive end. It’s my fault a couple people in the stands ordered Heinekens and they got Budweiser. It’s my fault. I’m sorry.”

Acording to reports, the original Sports World was designed to be a perfect Sports world. Where none suffered, where everyone got playing time. There were no contract disputes, no ‘locker-room cancers’. It was a disaster. No one would accept the programming. Entire sesons were lost as fans moved on to hockey. Many broadcasting super-companies simply lacked the programming skills to create the perfect sports show. But fans love misery, they define their reality through suffering and misery. The perfect world was a dream that their primitive cerebrums kept trying to wake up from. Cub fans, J-E-T-S - JETS fans. Clipper Fans. a’ll love that misery. You love that shit.

Sports Center, Fox Sports, they are all part of the system and that system is our enemy. When you’re inside, you look around, what do you see? Businessmen, teachers, lawyers, carpenters all standing in a circlejerk in the breakroom having they same argument I saw on First and 10. They drink the kool-aid every day. They don’t have time to think of their theories or come up with their own ideas. So until they do, these people are still a part of that system and that makes them my enemy. Most of these people are not ready to be think on their own. And many of them are so inured, so hopelessly dependent on the system, that they will fight to protect it.

We’ve fall so far that Keyshawn Johnson can call someone selfish with a straight face.

Gentlemen, all we can do is continue to fight the good fight. Continue to blog the truth here and there. We have to call shenanigans at every turn.

Look, i won’t bullshit you by waxing prophetic or philosophying or anything like that. I came across an article earlier today discussing kids in Britain who are kicking boxing at age 5. I mean Mai Thai Kickboxing with no pads. I can not tell a lie: i think this is fucking awesome. In my opinion, we’re rasing the softest, punkest, weakest minded group of pussy whipped kids in the history of man-kind. We can’t yell at them or we’ll bruise their little egos. We can’t spank their bad asses because it might teach them that aggression is the way to solve problems. We can’t even challenge their egos because it might make them gay.

I’m excited that a group of parent has taken it upon themselves to teach their kids some discipline. Used to be, you could play ball and get your dose of responsibility. But now-a-days, kids are crying if they bat 8th and parents are stalking coaches if their brat doesn’t start at wide receiver.

And thats all if you can get the fat little bastard off the XBOX360.

One child featured in the article is Thai Barlow, who is already a veteran fighter at 10 and named after his parents burning passion for Thai boxing. Along with his schoolwork, Thai runs over 15 km, does 400 sit ups, and spends at least 10 hours on the bags and sparring every week. Take that Madden 08! HIs mother is a former Thai boxer and his sister is a former champion. Little Thai is 58-3 with 2 knock outs.

The fall out:

Looking at the blogosphere, nerd across the planet are slamming this sport. I can’t agree with them. Every guy I know has had a moment when his mouth wrotes a check his ass couldn’t cash. Fighting has become ubiquotous. Every movie, every television show, every cartoon shows some kind of fight. Lets get over ourselves. Lets stop pretending like we’re civilized. Secretly, we all wanna kick someone’s ass - most people are just scared to take a lick.

My only reservation is that these kids are being pitted against one another before they’ve mastered the technique requiredto defend themselves. I imagine watching to kids Mai Thai is a lot like watching church league basketball… just a whole lot of flailing. Mai Thai is a heavy handed fighting style which frequently uses Elbows and knees. If Thai has only knocked out 2 kids, then they suck at fighting and are too undeveloped to be sent into the octagon. That’s what I think. I’d wait until the kids had more than a few years of sparring and technique under their belts.

I my send my kid in at age 12, if I was sure he could keep his left up and his head down.

But go check this article on sites like Digg or Reddit, where the tree-hugging pussies are out in force. “It should be banned!” they say. “It’s child abuse!” they cry. Fuck that. Kids fight, its what they do. Little boys are always rolling around in the dirt. i say make a rule that they can’t fight unless they’re in a ring with gear on. Make them square off and keep it controlled. Keep it productive. Redirect that hurtful energy into respect and discipline. Much like guns, people who are properly trained to fight do it less often.